a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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