Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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