I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
