If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
