I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
