Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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