Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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