yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
