I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
