there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
