I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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