He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
