I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
home. puking in laundry basket.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
