I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
