Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
