Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
