i don't like sucking hair
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
