I'm so fucking centered right now
Non-Jews are for practice
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
