Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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