i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
