you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
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