my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
