So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
