Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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