You just made me feel so damn special
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
