The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
