my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
