so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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