Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
