My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
