dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
