Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
