I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
