when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
