i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
