I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
