YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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