i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
