the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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