this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Randomize
