why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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