Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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