he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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