Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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