splinters make it hard to masturbate
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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