just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
