saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
