i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
