Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
