I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
