Have you finally orgasmed yet?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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