Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
